i miss the memories of you
i miss the memories of us
i miss us hugging each other tightly
i miss your voice
but goodbye

Day 134 2018

2 years since it all happen.
I've been fine, not the best fine but just okay. Have stopped eating the anti-depressants for awhile because i don't really think its necessary. I am still that child that everyone always think she's fine. Been able to stay silent bout how i feel whether it comes to being upset or feeling nothing. Maybe that's a good sign.. No more feeling crappy bout guys dumping me because i'm not good enough for them or friends dropping me because they no longer can handle me being depressed. Life goes on. ((:

We were so busy chasing for the ones that were forgetting about us that we lost our thoughts. We were basically wasting time trying to chase for the person that we thought would complete our lives like little kids that were chasing pretty butterflies in the field filled with other living creatures. We were oblivious to our surrounding that we didn't bother to notice that the right person was infront of us all along. Why do we keep chasing and trying for the people that ddin't pay attention to us? Were we craving for their attention or the fact that they were giving us sugar coated words that we wanted to hear? 

Why did we stay up at 2AM talking to them when we could have gotten a good rest that we really deserve? Maybe we cared too much. Why did we continued to care when we knew they weren't appreciating the efforts? We were blind. Blinded by the lies that we created for ourselves knowing the fact that they didn't give a flying fuck about it. 

Why? Why? Why? 

I guess most of us were trying to give the happiness we didn't have to the people that we thought deserve. They didn't. We thought giving them apart of ourselves will make them happier but it turns out we just lost ourselves and parts of the remaining happiness we had. 

Day idk

It's 04:39AM right now as I sit in bed with my laptop and my late night thoughts. The year is ending and honestly, 2017 really suck so much. All the bullshits, the lost of friendships and countless other shit that happen. I considered this people as my close friends but I let my guards down, they weren't the right people after all. What is the point of sharing how you feel and later getting it used as a weapon against you? What is the point of trying to salvage something that cannot be save? It's pointless and honestly I'm glad it's gone. I don't feel the extra weight on my shoulders as I try to end the year with a positive note.

Have you ever wondered that the person you crossed path with might be the one? Sometimes I wondered that too. Have you ever wanted someone so badly but they weren't the one? Do you stare at the ceiling at 2pm or 2am in the morning asking yourself is this the person I want to spend my life with? Me too. Not every fairytale ends with a happy ending. Most of us go through so much shit for that certain person but they will never know because they were so busy chasing for the perfect one that they forgot the ones who were there after all. The long night talks, sending random pictures, talking bout stupid things. 

I never really understand myself and still am trying to learn how to love myself step by step despite the countless of setbacks I've received over the years. I'm still trying to reach for the shiny star but despite everything, sometimes you just want to give up. Crawling in bed and sleeping in always seems like the best escape from reality.  

I just wish everything will be better in 2018 but I know there will be times someone will fuck me up or times that i will lost myself to the darkness but I'll try. 

xx

Day 139

Till this day I am afraid to open my heart to learn to love another a day. I tried and tried but I ended up falling for fuck boys who sugar coat words that every girl wants to listen. I am so naive and oblivious. I am still trying to piece back the broken parts of me and return to the happy girl I was.

Till this day, the past still haunts me and the memories of losing my old friends. But I am happy for them, they look so much better without me and I am glad.

I saw someone I deeply cared about cried over someone who wasn't worth anything. That broke my heart. It reminded me of the things that I went through. I am still finding my way back home. Love will break you.

It will kill you and break you. I am 2 months clean and I never want to hurt myself again. All these battle scars will remind me how much I hated everything that broke me and I wanted the pain to go away.  But lately, i am dead on the inside. I no longer cry when I am sad. I no longer feel the emotions running. All I ever felt was emptiness. 

"the thing
worth holding on to
would not have let go."
-Rupi Kaur

day 129

Do you ever why we fall for people who are toxic for us yet we still crave for affection from them. I wonder why too. I never really understand why I always try to hold onto people who weren’t good for me. Was it because I wanted to be love or not alone? Maybe it’s because I tend to fall for the people who give me the slightest attention. I need to stop. I can’t keep repeating my same old mistakes. Oh, Celeste, when will you ever start learning?

I used to think it was my fault for suffering from an illness and nobody will ever love me. Maybe I needed to start learning how to love myself first. I made progressed for the past 2 months. I haven’t broken a glass or cut myself which it’s a huge achievement even when I feel shitty. I no longer cry when I’m sad, I started just zoning out and staring at the wall aimlessly.

It’s true depression leaves for awhile but it always remains lingering around you. Till this day, I always wondered what my life would be without it. Maybe happier? I have no Idea. We live in such a cruel world.

Letter to me:

You got to start loving yourself even if nobody loves you. You got to be strong and learn to love yourself before loving others. You need to really stop meeting fuck boys literally even if they are cute and shit. You have to make sure you come first. I am so proud of you for not hurting yourself for the past 5 months even when you have the urged to do it. Always remember that your bed is the safest place in the world for you to crawl under the blanket and be relaxed. You should maybe start getting flowers for yourself again whenever you are sad because they brighten up your day. I hope you find someone who is going to adore you and treat you with so much respect. He must be able to understand you and make you a better person. Even if it takes 5 years or more, find the right guy and not the wrong one. You deserve so much better and of course you need to try to be happy once in awhile.

Love,

Celeste.

Day 66

Hi,it’s been awhile. I’m not sure if any of you guys are still reading my blog but oh well. Life hasn’t been good to me for the past 3 months. I am already so done with 2017 even though we are only 3 months into the year. Anyways, I am doing better(?) I guess. Honestly speaking, I’ve no idea what the hell I keep putting myself into. Losing friends, the people I love and losing myself. Such a tragedy, the old me would be so much happier but sadly she’s no longer there.

I am finally starting school in April. It wasn’t easy to persuade my dad into letting me go to SIM to study. I had a big argument with him and he finally decided to give this last opportunity to me. So I am literally going to study every day to make him and myself proud. I am so happy yet sad that I got this chance but my heart ached.

I wanted to share the news with someone important to me but I forgot he was no longer there. I decided it was time to move on because if he is happy, I am happy. Others happiness comes first and mine comes second. When I decided to move on one night, I had a breakdown listening to a song. It was 2 AM, I was sobbing on my bedroom floor trembling. I was useless at this point. I was the one to blame for this really. When he tried to come close to me, I pushed him away thinking that he will be like the others but he was different. He didn’t care if I had makeup on or the fact that I was lazy to reply. He stood by me despite army. I am really grateful that he was part of my life for a short period and I wish him all the best.

Went on many dates with different people, some were nice and fun to be with but others were creepy and fucked up literally. I have so many bad dates but one really traumatized me the most but that story will be kept for another time. I was putting myself in a vulnerable situation. Opening up to people who showed their concern when the fact is that they don’t give a flying f*ck. That’s something bad about me, I open up too easily. Now, I just stay at home because I’m left with 2 weeks plus to have time for myself.

I have to admit, I am afraid to be alone yet I am used to it. I am still trying to figure out and love myself. Maybe it’s a sign, I should pay more attention to myself instead of trying to pleased everyone and being the person I am not. I decided to take a break from social media and my social life for awhile when I start school. I just want to focus on loving myself and my education. If  I ever met a man who would make me feel happy, that will be a different case but for now, I will focus on myself. 
I don’t want to be dependent on the pills to make my mood happier each day. I just want to be fine. It is going to be a tough journey but I will try.

This isn’t farewell, I will be back soon.

Love,
Celeste.