9/11/15

Less than two months time it will be the start of a new year as well as me turning 17. (wth)
Time flies so fast honestly, I remember being stuck in a school I hate for 4 years and poof, I graduated. Let's just hope I don't end up back in there for Sec 5 as bad memories were made there. I just hope I get into PFP or DPP if I don't, well i'm totally screwed. If you asked me what was my favourite moment in that school, it was when I met my bff in CCA when she was sec 3 and I was just a sec 1 kid. To me, we kind of drifted apart because of different schools and our busy schedule but it's ok! I'm glad she's bubbly and cheerful in her school.

 As for me, well I've no idea what i'm actually doing with my life other than staying in bed and watching videos. I've been working once in awhile when they need people to work and honestly I do enjoy working with the group of people. They are like big brothers to me and I respect them a lot even though one of them keeps poking me while working.

To my friends who stood by me through my tough times,
Thank you for staying by my side whenever life decides to f*ck me up. Thank you for listening to my complaints and problems. Thank you for putting smiles on my face whenever I meet up with you. Thank you for constantly telling me that I am loved (you know who you are). Thank you for putting up with my shit and nuisance. You mean a lot to me and I am so thankful to have you. I'll see you soon.

To the people who once meant a lot to me,
I am actually thankful to you for making me a stronger and better person in life. You may have hurt/betrayed me but I learn from that mistake that I deserve someone who ACTUALLY gives a fucking damn bout how I feel. Some of you may have just walk out of my life with no goodbyes but at least I know that I deserve someone better than you. You may have been one of my friends/good friends/best friends/lover but nevertheless I thank you for once putting a smile on my face and loving me. I hope you already found someone who treats you way better than me or love you better. Because you were once my mistake and I was once yours.

To the people I've hurt,
I am sorry that I couldn't trust you and always get fed up with you easily. It's not your fault, it's mine. Sometimes when you text me out of the blue, I get suspicious and think that you need something from me and stuff. I ended up being harsh at you when you were trying to be nice and concerned for me. I'm sorry that I'm not a nice person to be friends with but I seek your forgiveness.

And to the future me,
I hope one day you will be happier than the way you are right now. I hope one day you will find a man who is going to love you despite your flaws. I hope one day you will understand why things happen to you for a reason and I hope you know that doing shitty stuff to yourself is never a good reason to numb away the pain. It's ok for you to be upset and cuddle up in bed with your blanket to sleep or cry. Things will be better. Learn from all your mistakes in the past and remember not to do it. Don't you ever give up on yourself and your dreams because I know that you will be able to succeed.
Love yourself more ok?

Dear Future me.

Dear future me,

Get yourself flowers when you are sad. Be strong. You don't need a guy when you have your comfy bed to go home to. You will be brave. Fight away all the demons in your head, don't let them win. As you grow older, you will start experiencing life changes and hard decision. I want you to know its okay to fail something and please get back on your feet. You need to be happy even when life is a shitty roller-coaster with many obstacles. You will experience people leaving you, having a heart break and many more. I want you to know its okay to cry out and hide in your room and lay in bed. I want you to be brave, because the present me can't. I want you to understand this, Celeste 5 to 10 years down the road, your dreams will come true alright?  Don't give up. So future me, please be rave and fight for your rights and life. I'm sorry that the present me isn't doing great. But I hope the future me is.

love,
Present me.

Random thoughts

It's 1:49am right now. I'm still awake. With my mind feeling with things.i feel so empty... And I'm not okay. How do I pretend for so long.