Day 139

Till this day I am afraid to open my heart to learn to love another a day. I tried and tried but I ended up falling for fuck boys who sugar coat words that every girl wants to listen. I am so naive and oblivious. I am still trying to piece back the broken parts of me and return to the happy girl I was.

Till this day, the past still haunts me and the memories of losing my old friends. But I am happy for them, they look so much better without me and I am glad.

I saw someone I deeply cared about cried over someone who wasn't worth anything. That broke my heart. It reminded me of the things that I went through. I am still finding my way back home. Love will break you.

It will kill you and break you. I am 2 months clean and I never want to hurt myself again. All these battle scars will remind me how much I hated everything that broke me and I wanted the pain to go away.  But lately, i am dead on the inside. I no longer cry when I am sad. I no longer feel the emotions running. All I ever felt was emptiness. 

"the thing
worth holding on to
would not have let go."
-Rupi Kaur

day 129

Do you ever why we fall for people who are toxic for us yet we still crave for affection from them. I wonder why too. I never really understand why I always try to hold onto people who weren’t good for me. Was it because I wanted to be love or not alone? Maybe it’s because I tend to fall for the people who give me the slightest attention. I need to stop. I can’t keep repeating my same old mistakes. Oh, Celeste, when will you ever start learning?

I used to think it was my fault for suffering from an illness and nobody will ever love me. Maybe I needed to start learning how to love myself first. I made progressed for the past 2 months. I haven’t broken a glass or cut myself which it’s a huge achievement even when I feel shitty. I no longer cry when I’m sad, I started just zoning out and staring at the wall aimlessly.

It’s true depression leaves for awhile but it always remains lingering around you. Till this day, I always wondered what my life would be without it. Maybe happier? I have no Idea. We live in such a cruel world.

Letter to me:

You got to start loving yourself even if nobody loves you. You got to be strong and learn to love yourself before loving others. You need to really stop meeting fuck boys literally even if they are cute and shit. You have to make sure you come first. I am so proud of you for not hurting yourself for the past 5 months even when you have the urged to do it. Always remember that your bed is the safest place in the world for you to crawl under the blanket and be relaxed. You should maybe start getting flowers for yourself again whenever you are sad because they brighten up your day. I hope you find someone who is going to adore you and treat you with so much respect. He must be able to understand you and make you a better person. Even if it takes 5 years or more, find the right guy and not the wrong one. You deserve so much better and of course you need to try to be happy once in awhile.

Love,

Celeste.