Day 66

Hi,it’s been awhile. I’m not sure if any of you guys are still reading my blog but oh well. Life hasn’t been good to me for the past 3 months. I am already so done with 2017 even though we are only 3 months into the year. Anyways, I am doing better(?) I guess. Honestly speaking, I’ve no idea what the hell I keep putting myself into. Losing friends, the people I love and losing myself. Such a tragedy, the old me would be so much happier but sadly she’s no longer there.

I am finally starting school in April. It wasn’t easy to persuade my dad into letting me go to SIM to study. I had a big argument with him and he finally decided to give this last opportunity to me. So I am literally going to study every day to make him and myself proud. I am so happy yet sad that I got this chance but my heart ached.

I wanted to share the news with someone important to me but I forgot he was no longer there. I decided it was time to move on because if he is happy, I am happy. Others happiness comes first and mine comes second. When I decided to move on one night, I had a breakdown listening to a song. It was 2 AM, I was sobbing on my bedroom floor trembling. I was useless at this point. I was the one to blame for this really. When he tried to come close to me, I pushed him away thinking that he will be like the others but he was different. He didn’t care if I had makeup on or the fact that I was lazy to reply. He stood by me despite army. I am really grateful that he was part of my life for a short period and I wish him all the best.

Went on many dates with different people, some were nice and fun to be with but others were creepy and fucked up literally. I have so many bad dates but one really traumatized me the most but that story will be kept for another time. I was putting myself in a vulnerable situation. Opening up to people who showed their concern when the fact is that they don’t give a flying f*ck. That’s something bad about me, I open up too easily. Now, I just stay at home because I’m left with 2 weeks plus to have time for myself.

I have to admit, I am afraid to be alone yet I am used to it. I am still trying to figure out and love myself. Maybe it’s a sign, I should pay more attention to myself instead of trying to pleased everyone and being the person I am not. I decided to take a break from social media and my social life for awhile when I start school. I just want to focus on loving myself and my education. If  I ever met a man who would make me feel happy, that will be a different case but for now, I will focus on myself. 
I don’t want to be dependent on the pills to make my mood happier each day. I just want to be fine. It is going to be a tough journey but I will try.

This isn’t farewell, I will be back soon.

Love,
Celeste.