day 33

I would rather die than go to a school that I fucking hate.
fuck the system. fuck this shit. I am so done with this fucking life.

day 32

They were right. Guys can't be trusted. I honestly have given up on the idea that I will find the right guy. I've met so many idiots or people that I actually have a thing for but they end up disappearing like a magician act.

Maybe it's time to listen to my psychologist, to give myself time to love myself instead of finding someone who will love me. I thought that maybe if someone could love me as much as I love them, I could finally start to learn to love myself. tragic isn't it?  Falling for the wrong people time to time.  When I'm finally interested in a guy, I do not know if he wants to continue to talk to me or he is just using me as a toy to pass time.


here's a poem from one of my favorite poem books,
" You must enter a relationship 
             with yourself
        before anyone else."
            -ruppi kurr

18 THINGS I LEARN AFTER TURNING 18

18 THINGS I LEARN AFTER TURNING 18

1.       Not everyone is going to stay with you in life

2.       You should socialize more because the outside world is tough.

3.       There are people bound to break/hurt you in anyways, physically or mentally.

4.       Happiness is temporary.

5.       Guys will break your heart. (Note to self: do not use tinder anymore)

6.       People are going to judge you for who you are.

7.       Mental illness is not a joke.

8.       Staying home in bed is safer than dealing with the cruel world.

9.       Having a few close friends is better than having a group of friends.

10.   There is more responsibility.

11.   Not everyone is going to treat you well.

12.   Prince charming isn’t real.

13.   Your parents love you unconditionally even at your worst.

14.   Your thoughts will ruin you.

15.   People think about your worth and whether if they want to throw you aside.

16.   I’m never going to be good enough. Let’s face it. This is the reality.

17.   There are rainbows sometimes after a stormy rain.

18.   Love yourself before loving others.

Day 58

 

O level days are ending in another 14 days. Freedom.  It’s been 58 days since the start of things, it hasn’t been a smooth journey but it's helping. I’m a mix of emotions and honestly I don’t know when will it start but I know one day it will.

I don’t know what I want in life anymore to be honest. I am lost in my own thoughts and complicated like a tornado sweeping through the area and destroying everything in its path. It hasn’t been an easy journey for the past 1 month plus. The breakdowns, the emotionless nights and many other things. I am a human who has a destructive button and one day it will explode when the button is push.

I must thank the people who stayed and loved me unconditionally despite the fact I’m a huge mess.

A message to myself in the future,

I hope one day the pills will stop and you will be alright. The old Celeste who was happy and loved to be with friends. I know you prefer to be alone and not talk to anyone, please make an effort to try even if it scares you. I know it seems like a hard journey with many obstacles, but I want you to know I’m forever grateful to know you tried your best to stay strong and alive despite your inner demons calling you.

Love,
Cel

I never felt like I belong anywhere.

I miss being happy and laugh at the things I used to.

I wish I was dead already

February 1,2016

February 1,2016

11:34pm
It's a new month, a new beginning. It's time to get my shit together and be positive. 
It's not that easy to be positive but i'll try. 


12:30AM
Personal:

I'm like a flower that withers to death when there's no sunlight or water.

"I'm only 17." I told myself.

I shouldn't be feeling this dejected. 

Nobody is going to be there for you to heal your broken heart and clean away the tears on your face.

Broken heart isn't cause by relationship with your significant other, it's when you start losing someone you cherish. 

You feel like the friendship starts withering to death like a flower that hasn't been taken care of.

You don't get to be dejected.

The only thing you can ever do is to hold on to the memories left and it soon vanish into the air.

That's when you start falling apart like the petals of a dying flower.

You lost.

January 31,2016

January 31,2016

It's 1:38 AM. I'm in bed overthinking as always. And my eyebags are getting worse. I'm super tired & I don't even know why. I just feel like staying in bed the whole day and sleep. I need to be free from problems but I always end up creating one for myself because I overthink too much. I'm afraid of losing close people and that scares me.