day 129

Do you ever why we fall for people who are toxic for us yet we still crave for affection from them. I wonder why too. I never really understand why I always try to hold onto people who weren’t good for me. Was it because I wanted to be love or not alone? Maybe it’s because I tend to fall for the people who give me the slightest attention. I need to stop. I can’t keep repeating my same old mistakes. Oh, Celeste, when will you ever start learning?

I used to think it was my fault for suffering from an illness and nobody will ever love me. Maybe I needed to start learning how to love myself first. I made progressed for the past 2 months. I haven’t broken a glass or cut myself which it’s a huge achievement even when I feel shitty. I no longer cry when I’m sad, I started just zoning out and staring at the wall aimlessly.

It’s true depression leaves for awhile but it always remains lingering around you. Till this day, I always wondered what my life would be without it. Maybe happier? I have no Idea. We live in such a cruel world.

Letter to me:

You got to start loving yourself even if nobody loves you. You got to be strong and learn to love yourself before loving others. You need to really stop meeting fuck boys literally even if they are cute and shit. You have to make sure you come first. I am so proud of you for not hurting yourself for the past 5 months even when you have the urged to do it. Always remember that your bed is the safest place in the world for you to crawl under the blanket and be relaxed. You should maybe start getting flowers for yourself again whenever you are sad because they brighten up your day. I hope you find someone who is going to adore you and treat you with so much respect. He must be able to understand you and make you a better person. Even if it takes 5 years or more, find the right guy and not the wrong one. You deserve so much better and of course you need to try to be happy once in awhile.

Love,

Celeste.

Day 66

Hi,it’s been awhile. I’m not sure if any of you guys are still reading my blog but oh well. Life hasn’t been good to me for the past 3 months. I am already so done with 2017 even though we are only 3 months into the year. Anyways, I am doing better(?) I guess. Honestly speaking, I’ve no idea what the hell I keep putting myself into. Losing friends, the people I love and losing myself. Such a tragedy, the old me would be so much happier but sadly she’s no longer there.

I am finally starting school in April. It wasn’t easy to persuade my dad into letting me go to SIM to study. I had a big argument with him and he finally decided to give this last opportunity to me. So I am literally going to study every day to make him and myself proud. I am so happy yet sad that I got this chance but my heart ached.

I wanted to share the news with someone important to me but I forgot he was no longer there. I decided it was time to move on because if he is happy, I am happy. Others happiness comes first and mine comes second. When I decided to move on one night, I had a breakdown listening to a song. It was 2 AM, I was sobbing on my bedroom floor trembling. I was useless at this point. I was the one to blame for this really. When he tried to come close to me, I pushed him away thinking that he will be like the others but he was different. He didn’t care if I had makeup on or the fact that I was lazy to reply. He stood by me despite army. I am really grateful that he was part of my life for a short period and I wish him all the best.

Went on many dates with different people, some were nice and fun to be with but others were creepy and fucked up literally. I have so many bad dates but one really traumatized me the most but that story will be kept for another time. I was putting myself in a vulnerable situation. Opening up to people who showed their concern when the fact is that they don’t give a flying f*ck. That’s something bad about me, I open up too easily. Now, I just stay at home because I’m left with 2 weeks plus to have time for myself.

I have to admit, I am afraid to be alone yet I am used to it. I am still trying to figure out and love myself. Maybe it’s a sign, I should pay more attention to myself instead of trying to pleased everyone and being the person I am not. I decided to take a break from social media and my social life for awhile when I start school. I just want to focus on loving myself and my education. If  I ever met a man who would make me feel happy, that will be a different case but for now, I will focus on myself. 
I don’t want to be dependent on the pills to make my mood happier each day. I just want to be fine. It is going to be a tough journey but I will try.

This isn’t farewell, I will be back soon.

Love,
Celeste.

day 33

I would rather die than go to a school that I fucking hate.
fuck the system. fuck this shit. I am so done with this fucking life.

day 32

They were right. Guys can't be trusted. I honestly have given up on the idea that I will find the right guy. I've met so many idiots or people that I actually have a thing for but they end up disappearing like a magician act.

Maybe it's time to listen to my psychologist, to give myself time to love myself instead of finding someone who will love me. I thought that maybe if someone could love me as much as I love them, I could finally start to learn to love myself. tragic isn't it?  Falling for the wrong people time to time.  When I'm finally interested in a guy, I do not know if he wants to continue to talk to me or he is just using me as a toy to pass time.


here's a poem from one of my favorite poem books,
" You must enter a relationship 
             with yourself
        before anyone else."
            -ruppi kurr

18 THINGS I LEARN AFTER TURNING 18

18 THINGS I LEARN AFTER TURNING 18

1.       Not everyone is going to stay with you in life

2.       You should socialize more because the outside world is tough.

3.       There are people bound to break/hurt you in anyways, physically or mentally.

4.       Happiness is temporary.

5.       Guys will break your heart. (Note to self: do not use tinder anymore)

6.       People are going to judge you for who you are.

7.       Mental illness is not a joke.

8.       Staying home in bed is safer than dealing with the cruel world.

9.       Having a few close friends is better than having a group of friends.

10.   There is more responsibility.

11.   Not everyone is going to treat you well.

12.   Prince charming isn’t real.

13.   Your parents love you unconditionally even at your worst.

14.   Your thoughts will ruin you.

15.   People think about your worth and whether if they want to throw you aside.

16.   I’m never going to be good enough. Let’s face it. This is the reality.

17.   There are rainbows sometimes after a stormy rain.

18.   Love yourself before loving others.

Day 58

 

O level days are ending in another 14 days. Freedom.  It’s been 58 days since the start of things, it hasn’t been a smooth journey but it's helping. I’m a mix of emotions and honestly I don’t know when will it start but I know one day it will.

I don’t know what I want in life anymore to be honest. I am lost in my own thoughts and complicated like a tornado sweeping through the area and destroying everything in its path. It hasn’t been an easy journey for the past 1 month plus. The breakdowns, the emotionless nights and many other things. I am a human who has a destructive button and one day it will explode when the button is push.

I must thank the people who stayed and loved me unconditionally despite the fact I’m a huge mess.

A message to myself in the future,

I hope one day the pills will stop and you will be alright. The old Celeste who was happy and loved to be with friends. I know you prefer to be alone and not talk to anyone, please make an effort to try even if it scares you. I know it seems like a hard journey with many obstacles, but I want you to know I’m forever grateful to know you tried your best to stay strong and alive despite your inner demons calling you.

Love,
Cel

I never felt like I belong anywhere.

I miss being happy and laugh at the things I used to.

I wish I was dead already