Day 58

 

O level days are ending in another 14 days. Freedom.  It’s been 58 days since the start of things, it hasn’t been a smooth journey but it's helping. I’m a mix of emotions and honestly I don’t know when will it start but I know one day it will.

I don’t know what I want in life anymore to be honest. I am lost in my own thoughts and complicated like a tornado sweeping through the area and destroying everything in its path. It hasn’t been an easy journey for the past 1 month plus. The breakdowns, the emotionless nights and many other things. I am a human who has a destructive button and one day it will explode when the button is push.

I must thank the people who stayed and loved me unconditionally despite the fact I’m a huge mess.

A message to myself in the future,

I hope one day the pills will stop and you will be alright. The old Celeste who was happy and loved to be with friends. I know you prefer to be alone and not talk to anyone, please make an effort to try even if it scares you. I know it seems like a hard journey with many obstacles, but I want you to know I’m forever grateful to know you tried your best to stay strong and alive despite your inner demons calling you.

Love,
Cel

I never felt like I belong anywhere.

I miss being happy and laugh at the things I used to.

I wish I was dead already

February 1,2016

February 1,2016

11:34pm
It's a new month, a new beginning. It's time to get my shit together and be positive. 
It's not that easy to be positive but i'll try. 


12:30AM
Personal:

I'm like a flower that withers to death when there's no sunlight or water.

"I'm only 17." I told myself.

I shouldn't be feeling this dejected. 

Nobody is going to be there for you to heal your broken heart and clean away the tears on your face.

Broken heart isn't cause by relationship with your significant other, it's when you start losing someone you cherish. 

You feel like the friendship starts withering to death like a flower that hasn't been taken care of.

You don't get to be dejected.

The only thing you can ever do is to hold on to the memories left and it soon vanish into the air.

That's when you start falling apart like the petals of a dying flower.

You lost.

January 31,2016

January 31,2016

It's 1:38 AM. I'm in bed overthinking as always. And my eyebags are getting worse. I'm super tired & I don't even know why. I just feel like staying in bed the whole day and sleep. I need to be free from problems but I always end up creating one for myself because I overthink too much. I'm afraid of losing close people and that scares me.

January 30,2016

January 30,2016

 

I’ve decided that this will be a trial month for 2016. How are you guys? I’m not sure if anyone still bothers to read my blog but nevertheless hello. School is starting in another 2-3weeks’ time, so I’ve been catching up with my friends. This month has been really tough, but it is fine, February will be the month I get my whole life together. I’m happy that my parents have my back and support the decisions I made. Though there were disapprovals by my uncles and some judgemental sh*t, I take it as a compliment and I’m going to prove them wrong. I chose this path and of course I wouldn’t drop out because money does not grow from the trees and my dad is using his hard earned money on me. I want to make him proud and get into a local polytechnic and the course I want. It’s going to be tough, but it isn’t going to stop me from chasing my goals.

 

Let me take a moment to say something from the bottom of my heart to my friend.

Dear X,

I’m not sure if you are reading this but ok. I’m sorry for being a huge mess and a big burden to you. I feel neglected by you, but I got used to it because you are busy studying and working. I can’t blame you for that. I just wish I was worth at least one minute of your time. A simple hello or ’how is your day’ would be good enough. But it’s okay if you don’t have the time to talk to me, I understand.

 

Last but not least, a shout out to the people who waste their time on me and have been calling me a spoilt brat on ask.fm

A. I pay for half of my things I buy using my OWN work money

B. Just because I’m going to a private means I’m a spoil brat?

C. If you think I’m going to a private because I don’t want to go back to school for Sec 5 because I’m scared of being lonely then sadly that isn’t the case.

D. I left school because I didn’t want to get distracted by problems and the people.

E. I suffered enough from that place for 4 years

F. Lastly, if you don’t know the real reason and jump into conclusions, then it’s your own problem. ((:

 

Yours Sincerely,

Celeste
ask.fm/xcelesteeex

January 4, 2016

 January  4, 2016

It’s the first day of school but guess who didn’t attend? Me. It was a tough decision for me to go back to a school filled with bad memories and people whom I dislike or who dislike me. So I chose the other decision which is to be happy. I might go to a private school to take O/ diploma. It was hard for my family especially my dad to understand why I chose not to return to school after all both of us have been fighting since results day. But last night with the encouragement of a friend, I decided to talk things out with my dad. It was hard for him to understand and hard for me not to be a cry baby. After awhile , he told me he would considered which will be better. So I’m currently not attending school as I have not made a decision after I rejected my DPP application.

Back to today, Kel was supposed to come over at 10.30am but we were still sleeping like pigs. So she came over around 11am and we left my house at 1pm because we could not decide on a place to eat and I had not changed clothes. Everyone has a special friend they will meet, mine is Kel. Though we had fights for the past 4 years due to someone, I’m thankful that I still have her. We went to a café at Taka called “Pique Nique” .  We were full and we didn’t finish our fries finish so as typical Singaporeans we asked for a take out. And this cheeky girl tricked me into thinking that she was going to buy her friend a birthday present and needed my help because we had similar taste. Me being a blurr person went along and chose the present until she told me : “You know I’m buying for you right?” I immediately went HUH? Because tomorrow was my birthday and she wanted to surprise me with the too faced eye shadow palette and I was like : let’s get something cheaper than the palette because I didn’t want her to spend her hard earned money on me.

She ended up getting me a Mac Lip Pencil which was pretty and moisturizing. I couldn’t thank her enough because I didn’t expect her to pay attention to me.  Kel if you are reading this, Thank you for being the best human in my life ever and I’m sorry for getting you worried and pissing you off because of  the results shit but oh well it’s the past. Please forgive me and maintain please. Want to ship you and ahem at least ship you and I because we are a perfect match. ;)  I love you a lot more than my bed which I self-proclaimed that is my true love. Here’s to many more adventures and craziness together. See you soon.

 

Best Human ((:

 

 

 

Love,

Cel.

9/11/15

Less than two months time it will be the start of a new year as well as me turning 17. (wth)
Time flies so fast honestly, I remember being stuck in a school I hate for 4 years and poof, I graduated. Let's just hope I don't end up back in there for Sec 5 as bad memories were made there. I just hope I get into PFP or DPP if I don't, well i'm totally screwed. If you asked me what was my favourite moment in that school, it was when I met my bff in CCA when she was sec 3 and I was just a sec 1 kid. To me, we kind of drifted apart because of different schools and our busy schedule but it's ok! I'm glad she's bubbly and cheerful in her school.

 As for me, well I've no idea what i'm actually doing with my life other than staying in bed and watching videos. I've been working once in awhile when they need people to work and honestly I do enjoy working with the group of people. They are like big brothers to me and I respect them a lot even though one of them keeps poking me while working.

To my friends who stood by me through my tough times,
Thank you for staying by my side whenever life decides to f*ck me up. Thank you for listening to my complaints and problems. Thank you for putting smiles on my face whenever I meet up with you. Thank you for constantly telling me that I am loved (you know who you are). Thank you for putting up with my shit and nuisance. You mean a lot to me and I am so thankful to have you. I'll see you soon.

To the people who once meant a lot to me,
I am actually thankful to you for making me a stronger and better person in life. You may have hurt/betrayed me but I learn from that mistake that I deserve someone who ACTUALLY gives a fucking damn bout how I feel. Some of you may have just walk out of my life with no goodbyes but at least I know that I deserve someone better than you. You may have been one of my friends/good friends/best friends/lover but nevertheless I thank you for once putting a smile on my face and loving me. I hope you already found someone who treats you way better than me or love you better. Because you were once my mistake and I was once yours.

To the people I've hurt,
I am sorry that I couldn't trust you and always get fed up with you easily. It's not your fault, it's mine. Sometimes when you text me out of the blue, I get suspicious and think that you need something from me and stuff. I ended up being harsh at you when you were trying to be nice and concerned for me. I'm sorry that I'm not a nice person to be friends with but I seek your forgiveness.

And to the future me,
I hope one day you will be happier than the way you are right now. I hope one day you will find a man who is going to love you despite your flaws. I hope one day you will understand why things happen to you for a reason and I hope you know that doing shitty stuff to yourself is never a good reason to numb away the pain. It's ok for you to be upset and cuddle up in bed with your blanket to sleep or cry. Things will be better. Learn from all your mistakes in the past and remember not to do it. Don't you ever give up on yourself and your dreams because I know that you will be able to succeed.
Love yourself more ok?